BLOOMING AND CHRONIC ILLNESS
"I have found that while we are emerging, changing into something glorious; it is actually us becoming who we really are. A water lily is born underneath the water, inside the soil at the bottom of the river or lake. And the water lily has always been a water lily for that whole time that it was sprouting out of the wet soil, reaching up through the dark water towards the sunlight, stretching and grasping for the surface; where it then buds and blooms on the outside in the sunshine. It doesn't bud and bloom on the surface and then try to reach down below into the soil.”
― C. Joybell C.
This week, I do not lie, dance is saving my life. But not just dance, dancing in the loving, wild, free, accepting community that is Awaken The Dance. It's been a hard week. The antibiotics have flattened me, the heavy metals in my body are murdering me, and the Lyme, well, who knows what that bug's up to...it's a hard week. And I'm being hard on myself. I'm frustrated that my new website that's been in the works for over a year, has yet to be completed. I'm mad that I can't seem to read the books I want to read, study want I want to study, let alone get the dishes and laundry done. It feels challenging to be alive right now.
Here's what's gone right- my mofo dance classes. Monday was sweet and sassy, a room full of women and people who identify as women, going in deep and connecting to each other even more deeply. Tuesday was delicious and playful, an intergenerational cocktail, ranging from a beautiful baby boy with his parents to a family of grandpa, mom and son-3 generations of movers. The room was full of embodied beings doing what we know how to do best, feel and express ourselves. Thursday morning was, I don't know how else to say it - perfect. As I sat crying in my car before class, feeling totally decimated and exhausted, I knew, once I connected with the dancers and the music and my body, all would be alright. And it was. Knowing that we all suffer and I have the most profound honor of shifting that for a dozen people at least for the next hour- wow. It moves me out of collapse and opens my heart. I still feel my feelings and my struggles, but I can hold the space for more- for the possibility of connecting through that and even for the experience of it shifting. Which, of course, it did. This morning, with the cloudy grey sky diffusing the beautiful light in the gorgeous studio of Alchemy of Movement South, and the mountains cloaked in fog majestically above us- wow. It was the ideal home for our nourishing dance of blooming into who we already are. Of receiving, trusting and celebrating who we are, as we are. And that, my friends, is truly my journey right now. Is it yours?
One of the most challenging parts of lyme for me, is feeling like I should- could- be capable of more. I want to still live a full life, with the full responsibilities of someone who works, is a mama, friend, and all of it. And sometimes I can! And right now I can't. But when I dance, the shoulds get real quiet....and the BEING gets loud. And I surrender into the moment and the experience of my body as it is. It's that simple. And the blooming, well, instead of blooming into an idea of how beautiful/thin/productive/accomplished/prolific etc...I should be, I bloom into me. As I am- a kick ass flower with some health challenges.
So let's bloom into who we already are. Because isn't that enough?